Tangled Tuesday- Reviews and #Book Bloggers Who Steal #authors #bookreviews

The title says it all but let me clarify. Authors need reviews to get our book in the spotlight. No reviews and our books sink into Amazon obscurity, never to be seen by the masses. We get those reviews via readers but we can also send out free copies of our novel to book bloggers. An exchange of goods, so to speak.  A book blogger gets a free book in exchange for writing an honest review delivered in a timely manner on their blog. It’s a win-win. As an author who doesn’t have the advertising budget Stephen King or Neil Gaiman might, I appreciate those blog reviews as much as anyone. What I don’t appreciate, is stealing.

Three scenarios:

1) A book blogger or review site advertises something like this: "Fill out the form, send us your book and we will post a review." (or) "...we will forward your book to readers who, in turn, will post a review."

2) A book blogger or review site signs up for a book tour, receives a free copy of your book with the understanding they are to read, review and post such in their blog.

3) An avid reader approaches you online and promises to read your book and post a review on their YouTube channel or blog out of the goodness of their heart.

Outcomes of 1, 2 and 3: Nothing. No review. No further contact. Crickets chirping. Snow falling. The sound of a breeze blowing through empty pages. You get it.

Most book bloggers are pretty cool. The majority post the review whether it's good or bad. A few prefer not to post if they really didn't like the book but will email the author with an explanation. I've even gotten an apologetic email stating the review would be late because life got in the way. That's completely fair. I'm talking about book bloggers who take your book...and then fade into the woodwork. Yeah, they suck. It takes little effort to send out an email excuse such as, "I'm sorry, I couldn't finish your book because I had to walk the dog. Because my house was destroyed in a fire. Because I had to boink the milkman. Because I'm a kleptomaniac and couldn't help myself." See how easy that was? No hurt feelings, no harm done. Both the blogger and author can move on.

What's an author to do? Too many authors are afraid to follow up for fear they'll be trashed on social media in retaliation. So they let it go. The "reviewers" get a free book which makes them no better than the pirating sites we authors rage against.

Let me just clarify what goes into "writing a book" for those who aren't authors:

In my case, writing a book takes, on the average, over a year of hard work. We're talking more than 40 hours a week with no pay. After I finish the book it may take up to nine months to be accepted by a publisher. After that, it may take up to another year for the publisher to edit and release the book on their schedule. I get paid when the book sells and even then, royalties (per book) are less than a $ cup of coffee. When someone steals my book, either by pirating or agreeing to read/review and then not doing so, quite honestly it pisses me off. Do I go into their homes and steal from them? No, I don't. Maybe I should. "Dear, So-and-So, I thought your cat looked intriguing, so I decided to take him. I'm sure you don't mind." Oh, wait. That would be leaving a note. Okay, strike that. No note. No explanation. I'll just steal their cat. I like cats.

Recently, I searched for a site where you could report a book blogger who habitually steals books. You want to know what I found? Nothing. Authors are either too afraid to make a fuss, or they shrug their shoulders and write it off. We get screwed over by bad publishers, why shouldn't we get screwed over by shifty book bloggers? We've come to expect it. But guess what? Authors talk. If you're one of those people who steal and run, you will get a reputation. Authors can be devious. We spend half our time on the internet, and the other half creating chaos in our heads. We will find a way to destroy you. Okay, that may be overly dramatic.

But we will.

#ThoughtfulThursday - Top 10 Twitter Tips

Feeling snarky today. Uh-oh.

Thought I'd share some tips regarding Twitter. These are part of a larger, personal list (compulsive list-maker here).
See if you agree with my Top 10.

1. Don't send a direct message with something like, "Thanks for the follow. Like my FB page! Review my book! Buy my product! Have my baby!"

Um...can I get to know you first? All that awesome stuff usually comes after someone has read your book or discovers your product. Personally, high-pressure tactics make me want to run in the other direction. Quickly. It's worse when an author DMs another author. Really? You do realize I'm also writing/editing/promoting, right? How about you like my Facebook Page? How about you buy and review my book? Yeah...that's what I thought.

2. I can't say this enough: If you follow me and I go to your Twitter page and see an endless string of self-tweets, I'm probably NOT going to follow you back. Twitter is all about give-and-take. Tweeting about yourself 24/7 is obnoxious. Do you talk about yourself 24/7 too?  Yikes. I feel sorry for your friends and co-workers.

3. Don't try and pick someone up on Twitter and don't send naked pictures. That goes for Facebook, Google Plus, LinkedIn, pretty much anywhere on the internet. Tacky as hell and I'm pretty sure it won't get you laid.

4. Don't ignore someone who mentions you (unless they're trying to start a fight). It's flat-out rude. Would you ignore them in a face-to-face conversation? Hopefully not.

5. Pay it forward. I'll return the favor if somebody retweets my books (unless I find their tweets distasteful). For the people who don't return the favor, I wonder what your relationships are like. Ditto for what goes on in your bedroom. Yeah, I'm kind of twisted like that. Sue me.

6. Don't announce how many people you Followed or Unfollowed. Seriously, who the f*%k cares?

7. PLEASE pin a tweet to the top of your page if you want a decent retweet. Don't make people go through your feed to find something relevant. Odds are, they don't have the time.

8. Be mindful of the profile picture you post. Selfies in the bathroom, duck faces, and boob shots make me think twice about following you. They also make me wonder what you're selling.

9. Don't start fights or get personal. In fact, here's a Golden Rule: Say nothing online you wouldn't say face to face. Don't be a coward and hide behind your computer. There's this weird thing called reputation. Just because you're online, doesn't mean you don't get one if you act like an ass.

10. Maybe it's a writer thing, but please spell check your tweets. Please. It makes you look oh-so-much smarter if you can spell correctly and manage a sentence.

Now...go tweet something. Or better yet, go outside and enjoy the day.

@ClarissaJohal

Frightening Friday - Dear Reader

For authors, there's nothing more soul shattering than a bad review. I'm not talking about a review where the reader genuinely didn't like the book. That's to be expected. I'm talking about a "review" wherein the "reader" was quite obviously having a bad day and venting into cyberspace. But they aren't venting into cyberspace. They're venting at real people, doing their jobs, who have lives and bad days of their own. I'm going to speak my mind in this post, so if you don't like it, please move along. Authors don't speak their minds, you know. We fear career suicide or retaliation, so we bite our tongues so as not to piss someone off and garner a bad review. Reviews are our life blood. Without them, our books sink into obscurity. Good reviews propel our books forward, while bad reviews are the kiss of death.

I'm is a sassy mood because I just finished practicing on my trapeze. Be forewarned.


Dear Reader,

Most ebooks can be bought for 0.99¢ or for the hefty price of $2.99. That's an awful lot of money, but you have to admit, it's less than the price of a latte. A latte that takes minutes to prepare, and fifteen minutes to consume. Books (presumably) will take more than that - if you take the time to read all the words.

If an author disappoints, you are welcome to enter the world of writing and give it a try. Be prepared, there are days where I spend hours working on just one sentence. In fact, I would suggest setting aside 10 hours a day/365 days a year in order to craft an entire novel. Unpaid, of course (more on that later). Don't forget to have your book professionally edited, which isn't unpaid. Once your novel is complete, I welcome you to the months or years of trying to find a publisher.  If you manage to do so, and regardless if your book has been edited, expect to spend another 1-3+ months in editing. In that case, a complete stranger will take your beloved sentences and rip them apart. You will follow this carnage by rewriting those sentences in order to create a better book. All of this time is again, unpaid. The publisher will then format your book and assign you a cover designer. A word of warning: you may not like the final cover design, but you'll have to live with it because you're under contract. If you self-publish, you'll need to create a cover design of your own that grabs the reader's attention at a glance. If you're artistic, go for it. If not, expect to pay dearly for a decent book cover. After that (if you self-publish) you'll format your novel to the exact specifications of each sales venue, upload it to each site, and agree to the terms. All unpaid. Sound like a lot of work? It is. But it doesn't stop there. Once your novel is published, whether you work with a publisher or self-publish, you'll need to spend a number of hours per week in order to market it. That's unpaid too, by the way.

So what is the payoff of writing? Financially, about 18-30% per book of the list price, maybe less if you have a publisher. Not enough to pay the bills, trust me. Most authors work another job, maybe even two. Writing is a labor of love. The "payoff" is a review from someone who enjoyed the novel. A "bonus" would be a reader who buys your next book. Most authors don't mind the occasional bad review, again, it's to be expected. What authors don't deserve a mean-spirited diatribe (if you don't know what diatribe means, look it up). Depending on what's going on in that author's life, the mean-spirited diatribe may roll off their back like water, or bring them to tears and make them want to quit. I've picked up the pieces of many a fellow author who've wanted to quit. For the readers and "incognito" rival authors responsible for that: Stop Being Mean. If you don't like the book, fine. Leave a 1-star review, don't give the author lip-service, send a kid to literacy camp to write a better book, do whatever constructive thing you can manage. Review ranting because you're frustrated with your own life is a waste of precious time you could be spending on Something Else.

Authors appreciate the time you take to read their books. We appreciate the fact you spend your hard-earned money on them. We appreciate the time you take to review them. If our books don't meet your expectations, most authors are truly sorry. We work really hard and try our best. Some of you like our efforts, while others don't. Now, for those who feel the need to leave a mean-spirited review that "really" has nothing to do with the book, you are more than welcome to write your own book. Good luck on your future reviews, by the way. May your book become a best-seller.

Frightening Friday-The Nose Fairy

Photo courtesy of Krista76 via flickr

Remember that game you played with your kiddos when they were young? You grabbed their nose and held your thumb in such a way where it "looked" like you actually stole the poor child's nose. "Got your nose!" you would exclaim--to which they either laughed...or freaked the hell out.

Little did you know at the time--the Nose Fairy is real. He's the dark horse of the family and the Tooth Fairy's less talked about cousin. The degenerate sneaks into little children's houses at night while they're sleeping. Creeping into their room, he climbs up onto the bed, perches on their pillow and just when they begin to wake, he rips their noses off their faces.
"Got your nose!" he shrieks. And then, he goes running off into the night.

Horrifying, isn't it?

The Nose Fairy can't help it. He's a kleptomaniac, of sorts. The affliction runs in the family but the Tooth Fairy has learned to be patient and wait for her prizes.

Yeah, my brain is kind of twisted. It's how it is in there sometimes.

Tangled Tuesday - Dental Floss, Wands, and the Tooth Fairy

Photo courtesy of Enokson via Flickr

I've been lucky to have good teeth. I'll be 51 this July and yet to suffer a cavity. Part of that is due to growing up with a mom who was a dental assistant. Mom was diligent about dental health. She used to tell me the Tooth Fairy only traded coins for baby teeth with no cavities. I was unsure what the Tooth Fairy did with cavity-filled baby teeth. Maybe she smacked the poor child on the head with her wand. Maybe she took a selfie with the poor, dead tooth, and then flew off laughing. Regardless, I lived in mortal fear that the Tooth Fairy would pass me over.

Anyways, back to the present. My dentist loves that I brush after every meal. But I have a confession--I hate dental floss. I don't hate flossing, I floss every day. I hate the way the little plastic floss dispensers are designed.

You know when you're trying to break off a piece by using that stupid little metal cutter? It never breaks off nicely like it's supposed to, it shreds. So, you pull out a little more floss, hoping to get a clean cut. And it shreds again. So you pull out a little more...and a little more. Until you end up with literally yards of the stuff in the sink. Congratulations! You've wasted six whole dollars, and have nothing but an empty plastic container to show for it. Technically, you could set the floss aside, and cut off pieces with a pair of scissors. But that's not the way it's supposed to work. The floss is designed to snap off by using the little metal cutter. Using scissors would be admitting defeat. In a rage, you throw the plastic container (and the spent floss) into the garbage. Forget the floss, who needs it? Dental health is over-rated. The Tooth Fairy already has all your baby teeth, doing god-knows-what with them.

Curse you, floss--and the little plastic dispenser you came in. I should ditch dispenser floss and buy the wands. But I won't. Wands are for Tooth Fairies--and she's the one who got me into trouble in the first place.

Thoughtful Thursday - Sex, Lies...and Facebook

I may be guilty of not enough coffee this morning but...

Please stop sharing ridiculous things on Facebook. You know what I'm talking about.

"Vaccinated Children Five Times More Prone to Disease Than Unvaccinated Children!" 

"Semen Is 'Good for Women's Health and Helps Fight Depression!"

"Facebook removes amputee photos!"

"People in Denmark are paid twice as much as Americans! America sucks!" 

There's this little site called Snopes. There, you can look up story headlines before sharing so you don't look uninformed. It takes two seconds. Or better yet, JUST LOOK IT UP. Stop reflexively pressing that "Share" button. It's a trap for sharing hoaxes, scams, rumors, urban legends, embellished truths, and flat-out lies.

And as an aside, nobody needs to read bad news. Seriously, why would you share that?

Rant over. Coffee now.

Thoughtful Thursday - The Day Pollen Stole My Life and 5 Simple Solutions

Photo courtesy of brookenovak via Flickr

Evil pollen. There. I said it. I love trees as much as the next sucker person, but this spring, I've had enough. Last week, I was a useless mess. Running sucked. Ballet sucked. Writing sucked. My sinuses had never been so unhappy and everything took super-human effort. Okay, enough whining.

This week, I've found a sorta-kinda solution: Claritin with a 1/2 shot of nasal spray. Soooo, Claritin makes me jittery. Like, really jittery. No coffee needed because (hooray!) I have Clariton to keep me awake. And because of the dreaded "rebound effect," I can't use the nasal spray for more than 3 days. What's an author to do?

Here are my five simple solutions to spring allergies. Let me know if they work for you.

1) Move to Antarctica I've never considered moving south, but I hear the penguins are lovely this time of year. And with 0 permanent residents, I can't go wrong. I'll have enough quiet time to churn out novel after novel.

2) Hermetically Seal Myself from Head-to-Toe Amazon sells a vacuum sealing system for a mere $69.50. Of course, it's only big enough for cutlets, but I'm sure with a bit of convincing, Foodsaver could be talked into upgrading their model.

3) Exorcise Each and Every Plant  Cast out the demons. Pollen be gone! The power of winter compels you! The power of winter compels you!

4) Condoms Every plant gets one. Yes, yes. I realize that means nothing reproduces. Whatever.

5) Burn it with Fire Torch every single tree because it's the only way. Oh chill. I'm just kidding.

Excuse me while I OD on nasal spray and run a marathon like Speed Racer.

#Paranormal Wednesday-The Ghost in My Machine

My car is possessed by a ghost. Laugh if you will, but it's true. It all started one evening while I was chit-chatting with a friend and lingering over good-byes after coffee. As many times as I unlocked the door to leave, the door would lock itself again. This happened over and over until I finally gave up. I manually unlocked the door, got in and drove away--only to have the door lock itself again. 

The other night, I was parked near the woods and got spooked by a noise. I hurried to my car and tried not to trip over my own feet in the dark. My interior lights turned on even before I pulled my key out. How thoughtful.

My CD player clock numbers have completely faded on my side of the read-out. Consequently, it's usually :13 o'clock or :26 o'clock, which can be a bit confusing. My husband tried to replace the built-in clock with a portable one--only to have it stop working within a week. My ghost evidently doesn't like to be kept on a schedule.

There are times the readout on my dash will brighten to a glare, but that tends to happen only when I'm singing. I guess the ghost doesn't like my singing. Everybody's a critic.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm not alone in my car. The feeling will be so intense, I'll have to pull over and check the back seat and trunk. It's kind of stupid but...  There have also been times when I'll feel a kick and the sensation of someone's foot running up and down the back of my seat.

None of the electrical issues are consistent or I would have them checked out at the dealership. It depends on my ghost's mood and the situation. So for now, I appease the ghost by not spending too much time on good-byes after a coffee date, not staying out after dark, not bothering with a schedule, and definitely not singing.

#Paranormal Wednesday-Dog Drool

Photo of Vader courtesy of Fellowship of the Rich

...Or Why Dog Drool is Paranormal in Nature.

1) Drool vs. Spiritual Attachment - It will attach itself to you and nothing short of an exorcism can get it off. Be forewarned.

2) Drool vs. Ectoplasm. Ectoplasm begins clear and then darkens and becomes visible. In extreme cases, it will develop a strong odor. Enough said.

3) Drool vs. UFOs - Occurring especially after bath time. Watch when Fido gives himself a good shake. The Truth is Out There.

4) Drool vs. Spirit Manifestation - There have been cases where drool has been reported to manifest on its own with no probable cause.

5) Drool vs. ESP - My dog is especially sensitive to the times I'm wearing my Calvin Klein dress that can only be dry-cleaned. I can only attribute this to the fact that the drool itself, must be psychic.

6) Drool vs. Reincarnation - Reborn even after I've killed it with a washcloth. Drool is eternal.

7) Drool vs. Out of Body Experiences - The sensation you get when you've failed to dodge the sticky thread of saliva as it smacks you in the face.

8) Drool vs. Demonic Possession - You know that gleam in your dog's eye when drool trails down the sides of his mouth? And he takes a step towards you...and another...and another?

9) Drool vs. Orbs - If you watch very carefully, these can be seen surrounding the threads of saliva as it's flung in senseless abandon.

10) Drool vs. Paranormal in General - Drool is way scarier. Run in fear.

Thoughtful Thursday-No, I'm Not Cuckoo, I'm a #Writer

What's it like, being a writer? I seem to be asked that a lot. Well folks, it's a lot of signing autographs and hearing readers tell you how awesome you are. It's receiving huge royalty checks from publishers who deem you indispensable. It's full of massive amounts of glitz and glam and feeling loved 24/7...

Actually, that's crap.  Let's get real—what's it really like to be writer?

It means you wake up with, shower, dine and go to bed with your characters. It gets a little crowded from time-to-time. 

It means taking nothing personal when it comes to editing and everything personal when it comes to reviews.

It means your mind is constantly writing sentences—even when you're sleeping. I've woken with full paragraphs in my head. Sleep is for the weak.

It means working longer hours than 99% of the population and for less than minimum wage...and being okay with that.

It means the Writing Chair is yours, and yours alone. Because writing somewhere else doesn't feel the same—just don't talk to me. And get the hell out of my Chair.

It means struggling with a constant feeling of inadequacy.

It means you carry a constant paranoia that people will read (unfinished) work over your shoulder vs. the same paranoia they won't read your (finished) work at all.

It's a constant pull between Doing What You Love (writing) and Feeling Like an Obnoxious Brat (promoting)

It means hoping people understand that you're a little quirky but mostly harmless.

It means when people hear you talking to yourself, you're really not. Your characters are real people, duh.

I love being a writer. I eat, sleep and breathe my characters and stories. I write—not with the goal of "being rich someday," but with the goal that my readers will look forward to my next book an love the last one they read. When a reader says one of my books "stuck with them" and was "unlike any story they've read" it gives me a high that lasts for weeks. On the days I'm struggling and wonder if my stories matter to anyone other than myself, a comment like that will bring tears to my eyes. And I know deep in my heart that if I didn't write, I'd go cuckoo.

That's what being a writer is like.

Thoughtful Thursday-The V-Word #vegetarian

Photo courtesy of epSos .de via Flickr

...and no, it's not what you're thinking. Naughty.

Two things happened this week that led to this post. I don't usually blah, blah about being a vegetarian because seriously, who cares? But for lack of anything else to write about today...

The first was at the grocery store. The check-out person noticed my wacky food and tofu products and asked me about them. Here's how the conversation went.

"Are you one of those...you know...vegetarians?"
"I am."
"Yeah? What do you eat?"
"Everything but meat and fish."
"Don't you get hungry?"
"I've been a vegetarian for about 25 years or so. I haven't starved yet."
"I don't eat much meat. Maybe four or five times a week. Sorry, I can't help myself."
"Um...okay."

We chatted a little longer before I thanked him for my groceries and left. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had like this. Seriously. Usually, it ends with the person making apologies for eating meat. It's weird.

The other thing that happened this week was a nasty Twitter argument that erupted (in my feed) between a hard core vegetarian and a meat eater. *sigh* Seriously people. See #9 in the "10 Don't's of Twitter."

I'm going to chat a bit about being a vegetarian. And relax, I won't be standing on a soap box. Heights are scary.
I like to say that I'm a Functional Vegetarian. One of my daughters eats chicken and fish, the other eats only fish, and my husband eats everything. And it doesn't bother me a bit. Everyone makes their own choices. You know what bothers me? Preachy Vegetarians. You know what I mean. "Don't eat meat! Eat organic! GMOs are bad!" But everyone has an opinion and this is mine:

There are many different people in the world. I've lived in several countries and experienced many cultures. When I was a kid, it wasn't uncommon to be offered caribou, moose or bear in one place we lived. Further north, that varied to include seal and whale. That's what was available. Fruits and vegetables were extremely pricey and scarce.
I now live in an area where I can choose to be a vegetarian. This is a huge privilege. Organic foods are also a choice--an expensive one. And GMOs? There are people starving in the world and technology can help. You don't have to like it but I'm willing to bet you have the choice not to purchase. There are people that don't. Here's their choice: Crops resistant to insects and disease vs...nothing.

I share vegetarian recipes here on #Meatless Monday because that's how I roll. If you like the recipes--awesome. If you want to adjust them to fit your tastes--also awesome. To the hardcore vegetarians that feel the need to condemn others for their choices--mind your own beeswax. You won't get people to understand where you're coming from by preaching on your soapbox. Ditto for condemning people for their religion, sexual preference or anything else that floats their boat.

I'm going to end this post on a silly note because you can't take life too seriously. 

Have a great Thursday

Thoughtful Thursday-Useless Writing Advice

You've all read it, heard it...maybe even given it.

Forgive me. I'm feeling quite snarky today.







1) If you want to be a writer, just write.
Really? I have no idea why I didn't think of that.

2) Read. A lot.
If you write, I assume you read. Heck, you may even like reading. A lot.

3) Become a Social Media Junkie.
Yes...and no. Yes, it's nice to have a webpage and a place for readers to buy your books. No, you don't need to OD on social media to become a best-selling author. You need to write. And sometimes you don't even need to write well. Let's face it, 99% of having a best-seller is timing and luck. Sad but true.

4) Go Buy a Fancy Software and Editing Program 
I know authors who still write by hand and use a dictionary and thesaurus (gasp!). When they're done, they type it into Word and voila! A book is born. It happens.

5) Pay for (insert a plethora of services here)
There are tons of companies looking to make money off authors. They offer services, promotion opportunities and will even publish your work for you. They will also rip you off if you don't do your homework. Rule of thumb: money should flow into the author, not away.

6) Sign Up for a $$$ Workshop or Writer's Retreat
Sigh. See #5. Yes, it would be lovely to take a vacation and learn to become a better author.  Most of these workshops and retreats are given by other authors, which means you're funding their careers. Hmm...

Now that you've wasted your valuable time on this post--go write something.