Clarissa Johal: Pirate Squirrels

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Pirate Squirrels

I love animals. I've been a vegetarian for over 20 years and would do anything and everything for an animal in need. Just ask my family. They share their house with no less than three cats, two dogs, two turtles, two mice and eight tanks of fish. It's quite a menagerie.
However, the squirrels in my backyard are not part of my brood. They are probably the most pirate-like, crafty, little tree-rats I've ever seen. Lately, they've taken to draining my hummingbird feeders of all the sugar water.
I hope they get cavities.
Anyways, today I caught one chewing on a poisonous ant bait trap, of all things. I have no idea where he got it from, but thinking of his welfare, I immediately ran outside to stop him. Oddly enough, the thing hightailed it off my deck and up the nearest tree.
So, there I stood, heart pounding and visions of convulsing, dying squirrels in my head. Frantically, I started tossing sticks at it, hoping to scare it into dropping the ant bait. Nothing. I yelled at it, explaining that it was making a huge, life-altering mistake. Still nothing. The thing continued to chew away on the ant bait like the stubborn, little tree-rat he was.
In a fit of despair, and because I couldn't have a death on my conscience, I kicked off my shoes and climbed up the tree.
My one thought; "What dumb squirrel eats ant bait?"
Oh yeah, mine do.
Cursing like a sailor, I managed to climb half-way up before I realized:
1) I had my lacy and expensive black skirt on which was now, 2) stuck on a tree branch behind me and fluttering in the breeze.
On top of that, (or under it) I was now panty-flashing my neighbors who were having a civilized BBQ with about five of their closest friends.
All were looking up at me with either amusement or shock--I couldn't tell which, because suddenly everything was much too bright.
Meanwhile, the squirrel had nimbly jumped to the next tree--ant bait still clutched in his ratty little paws.
I stared up at the pale, blue sky, wondering what the weather was like somewhere else, and casually reached behind me to tug my skirt to a more acceptable level. Climbing down with my remaining dignity, I silently reprimanded myself for thinking the worst squirrel hating thoughts you can imagine.
The battle rages on....

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